Band Bio Preview:
READ WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT SEVEN STRING LES AND THE BLUES MOTHERS (You'll be Surprised)
Category: Quiz/Survey
"The funniest thing I have ever seen is Les playing double bass on one of Mark Simpson's Classic Rock sets!" laughed a customer a Chequers Inn Acoustic Night. Mark was OK but Les was playing the bass so hard - there was practically smoke coming out of it!" Liz was overheard to remark its a XXXXing shame it didn't catch fire!
Matt and Gina (who are leaving The Pilot in March) have been heard moaning to confidantes,
"We have had so many complaints about Les's sheep song that we are calling it a day here. The complaint letters are in a dustbin bag behind the bar. Its marked 'The RUCK Sack!"
Steve from The Fountain said this week,
"The Blues Mothers are a very good band, but the problem is - apart from Liz and Les, you never know who is actually going to turn up!
Chromonica player Jules has complained to Social Services about Les and his constant complaints about Jules's playing.
"I don't understand it, I get most of the notes right!
Bill & Annie of the Chequers Inn told our repeorter this week.
"The Blues Mothers weekly Jams are very busy nights for us, but its funny the way it doesn't get really busy until the jam is over"
At The Billabong Jam on March 10t, 'French Malcolm's' neighbour's husband looked very suspicious when the former started singing 'Give it to the girl next door!' Things got worse when Les joined in the chorus!
During a custody battle over the ownership of one of Liz's upright electric basses, she was overheard saying to Les
'You've got no brains, you've got no class
So stick the bass, up your XXXX!'
At a recent Blues Mothers gig, an off-duty nurse refused Roger resuscitation. An indignant Roger protested later, "I hadn't even asked her for any!"
Liz bought a new electric double bass this week. Young John Bowles at Music Matters did a wonderful salesman job on it, extolling the instrument's virtues. After a few minutes Liz asked him to stop - and explained, "Don't worry about it John - Im buying it to use as a weapon! Is there anything available on the market for sharpening the spike at the bottom?"
It is common local knowledge that Big Bopper impersonator Simon Rawlings hates 7 String Les 'Big Time' - and relations between them are somewhat taut most of the time. "I've been studying the Occult methods of sticking pins in dolls that represent one's enemy." said Simon this week, then added cruelly "The problem is - that they don't fxxxking make one big enough for Les!"
"There are a lot of local bands breaking up at the moment, and lots of their disloyal musicians are secretly joining other bands!" Roger remarked to his next door neighbour - as his drumming wife Margaret waved goodbye on her way to a gig with Sunrise
The Blues Mothers have put in their expense accounts for services to Great Britain. Roger said earlier today "I thought it would be best for us to do ours while there is still money in before Alex Salmond gets his!"
Les was dragged away from Roger this week following yet another attempt by the former to strangle the latter! When asked why he keeps doing it - Les broke down and blamed re-runs of the Scottish TV Detective series Taggart. Les said "When they go on and on about Murrdurrerrs and Perrpetrratorrs, I find myself reaching for a guitar lead!" Liz and Margaret made him apologise to Roger and they reluctantly shook hands. Les was heard to whisper to an old aged female fan who was sleeping nearby (clutching a bottle of methylated spirits "The battle may be overr, but the warr has only just begun Lassie!" As Les was led away Margaret whispered to Roger "Leave him. He's not worth it!"
Roger's female stalker was seen leaving Spec Savers over the weekend
"Les has taken a few days off from The Blues Mothers this week - to work on The Rockapaddies repertoire" reports Bob Goodwin. "I don't know why he's bothering - its all Irish to me!"
"I heard this week," Les told our reporter "that Simon Rawlings is to do a tribute show dedicated to The Late Great Johnny Cash!" At this point Liz asked "What is he going to call himself, The Man In Pink?"
"Liz, Les and Roger are in a new band called The Rockapaddies as well as The Blues Mothers now. Its quite funny when Roger forgets which band is booked for the gig!" laughed Seamus O'Sullivan (drummer with The Limerick Leaping Leprachauns of Lenham)
"There are rumours that Simon Rawlings is to replace Luciano Pavarotti in the concerts with Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras. They are going to be called 'Three Tenors and a Nine Bob Note!" Les confided to Tim Wilson (sound-man at The Billabong Club) this week
"The Blues Mothers all finished a song at the same time this week. That sounds like an 'arrangement' to me!" laughed Amanda, the barmaid at The Pilot
"Seven String Les reckon's that he used to entertain the troops in the Falklands War! Well - if he did, it was the enemy troups because I never saw him there!" broadcast Kate Adey, News at 10
"I've played to packed houses all over the World as The Big Bopper! How dare that '7 String Les' ridicule me in public at The Billabong Club every week? How dare he? I'm a star I tell you!" sobbed Simon Rawlings to his tear drenched Teddy Bear - on the way to Holland, aboard the 'Rocking on Heaven's Door' tour bus (whilst his best mate Darren 'Jerry Lee Lewis' Green 'broke wind' into the formers fresh air fan)
"That fat baxxxrd Seven String Les called me up for the finale at The Fountain on Sunday when he knew I had just broken one string, and had only five on!" seethed Slick Valentine, then continued "That gave him a two string advantage for the last five minutes! I'll get him at The Pilot on Thursday!"
"It seems like only yesterday when Les first approached me for a gig in my pub!" recalls Sean from 'The Entertainer' in Sittingbourne. "I wish it was tomorrow, I'd call the whole thing off!"
"I think that the Blues Mothers are by far the most exciting, interesting and talented group around today!" writes Mr R. Slick from Pratt's Bottom
"Last Winter, as usual, Roger wrote his name in yellow (from his open bedroom window)on the first snowfall across his lawn. The confusing thing was - that it was in Les's handwriting" muttered neighbourhood watch supervisor Perry Scope
"My husband Bob hasn't appeared with The Blues Mothers for about three weeks now. Every night he gets down on his knees and prays that the phone doesn't ring!" whispered Linda Goodwin to a neighbour
"Hi, I'm Rory! Liz & Les came out with the instructor and I for a driving lesson the other week. After a few minutes I heard crying and knocking from the back. 'What's that noise?' I asked. 'It's Les's knees!' sobbed Liz."
"I managed to hide from Les for 35 years before he found me. I went to Ireland and within two days he had found me. Next I went to Lanzarote and he found me. Tomorrow I leave for Mission Control at NASA!" shouted Damon(keyboards)
"That Roger fancies himself as a bit of a war hero in the RAF. You've probably seen some of his coaches around the country. They say 'Spitfire UK' on the side!" whined Mr R Swipe of Chattenden
"The Blues Mothers are great!" enthused Stan Moore from Romford
The Blues Mothers are crap!" complained Ron Ford from Stanmore
"Liz and Les go to a lot of 'Jam Nights' looking for new talent, but Roger is still their drummer" laughed Roger's wife Margaret
"Good Morning!" said comedienne Jo Brand to Liz, in Dulwich on Monday Oct 8th 2007
"Roger had a stalker at The White Horse on Saturday night at the Blues Mothers' gig. When I asked Margaret what to do - she told me to 'kick the poor woman's gude dog'!" reported Liz on Sunday morning
"That Seven String Les thinks he's clever - just because he knows a few chords and does all those jazz riffs - well I bet I've had more birds than him!" boasted Simon Rawlings. "Yeah right! We believe you Simon!"
"Les, Simon Rawlings and Big Dave Tettmar sometimes play in a band called The Wide Boys. There can only be the three of them in the band - because there's no bloody room for anyone else on the stage!" laughed Bob Goodwin (Blues Mothers keyboard player)
"Some tension in the band at a jam on Thursday, when Roger attempted to play Take Five in 4/4 time. Les shouted at him angrily -'You're not in fxxxxng Sunrise now!" recalled Roger's long suffering wife and Blues Mothers deputy drummer Margaret
Even more problems this week, when Roger absent mindedly and with no malicious intent played the solo from 'Wipe-Out' in the middle of 'The Thrill has Gone'!" reports a supporter of the band (yes - there are a few) who was standing nearby. "I wouldn't have noticed," he added "If I hadn't just taken out one of my earplugs for a moment - to have a scratch!"
"It doesn't matter who you vote for at election time - the government will still get in!" announced Blues Mothers drummer Roger from his 'special' chair at the Old Folks Home this week
"The Blues Mothers always vote for Barry Archer & The Great Gordino at local election time because they have honour and integrity and are not in the least bit sleazy!" gasped Les, through broken teeth - while Gordon held him and Barry beat the crap out of him
"Liz and Les have always been interested in politics. They were playing at a Conservative Rally a a couple of years ago and a reporter asked them what they thought certain candidates should do about 'The Homosexuality Bill' Liz and Les both agreed that the politicians in question should pay it" reported a BBC News reporter from Blackpool, who preferred to remain anymous
The name 'Wilde' is quite significant in Blues Mother history. Les once had a hair dresser girlfriend called Pamela Wilde, Gary used to go out with Kim Wilde, Liz has been out with Marty Wilde - and Roger has been out with Oscar Wilde" claimed leading Paperazzi reporter Nosey Parker this week
"The Blues Mothers were playing at our pub The Maypole last night, and quite frankly we're starting a petition to change the name of our village from 'Borden' to 'Boredom' in time for their next visit on New Year's Eve!" screamed Lesley and Kevin (The Landlords of The Maypole Inn in Sittingbourne
"I hear that 7 String Les spent several years on a Cruise Ship. Its a pity it wasn't the bloody Titanic!" scoffed HRH Prince Philip the Duke of Edinborough
"I overheard a conversation between Liz & Les the other day. She asked him what he thought of Anne Widdicombe. Les replied "I'll have to ask Bill Brewer and Dan Stewer and Uncle Tom Cobbly and all!" reported a bewildered Tom Collier
"I'd dearly love to book 7 String Les to play in a pantomime I'm producing this Christmas, but how can the audience shout out 'BEHIND YOU' when there's no bloody room for anyone behind him!" confided Bill Kenwright (Leading West End Impressario)
"The Blues Mothers are the kind of band that makes this country GRATE!" enthused Gordon Brown (Prime Minister and Labour Party Leader) at the Labour Party Conference in Bournemouth
"Blues Mother drummer Roger volunteered to walk around Maidstone wearing a sandwich board advertising the band, but true to form he had eaten it before he left home!" laughed his dastardly rival Dave Driver
"All that money, and the Blues Mothers still live like pigs!" squealed Pinky and Perky
"Please don't get us wrong, we love The Blues Mothers, but why do Les and that Damon keep pulling strange faces at each other on the jazz tunes - while they play those weird notes and chords. It puts us off our late night Curry." complained confused Gina and Matt (landlords of the Pilot in Maidstone)
"Seven String Les's guitars are covered with residue from burgers, chips, beer & rum. They're a bacterial minefield and we're certainly not touching them!" screamed Kim and Aggie (TV hygiene consultants from 'A Life of Grime')
"The Blues Mothers are wubbish, their music is cwap and for me, buying one of their Cds would be pergatwee and daylight wobbewy!" seethed Jonathan Ross (Chat show host and film cwitic)
"I know where the Blues Mothers are coming from, and where they're going to - NOWHERE!" dribbled the Right Honourable Les Patterson (Australian Cultural Attache)
"Admittedly Roger has some nice cars, but the way he drives them leaves a lot to be desired! Put him behind the wheel and he becomes really aggressive, like a wide eyed, ferocious, rabid bush baby!" complained Jeremy Clarkson, in a tedious and bored monotone
"The Bluesa Motheras! No Commento!" declined the Pope
"Its Margaret we feel sorry for. After each gig she has to drive Liz back to rehab, Les back to prison and Roger back to the Old People's Home!" sympathised Alan & Leslie from the White Horse in Maidstone
"Give Liz a makeover? How can we make her look half decent, when she insists on having a clothing account card at Millets?" scathed Trinny & Susannah (TV fashion consultants)
"Liz, Roger & Les used to spend a lot of time in my pub, so I sold it!" smiled Ian (ex landlord of The Three Mariners)
"I've put all of my Blues Mothers tracks on one I-Pod - and thrown it away! Ha Ha!" chortled an agent who used to represent the band
"The Blues Mothers seem to be everywhere in this town at the moment! Thats why I'm moving into the country." explained road-sweeper Nigel Poncenby-Smythe
"That Roger played a drum solo the other night. It sounded like a collision between two furniture lorries." laughed a local drummer, who wishes to remain anonymous for reasons of cowardice
"I saw Les in a cheap porn film once. It was called 'Nelson's Column' & Les played the Column, need I say more?" gasped an anonymous, aged 'bag lady' who was sitting on a bench at an open air event at The Command House in Chatham. She then added "-and I played Lady Hamilton!"
"What the Blues Mothers need is 'Exterminating!'" droned Davros (Leader of The Daleks)
"Weird clothes, wierd chords, weird people!" mused Princess Michael of Kent
"The Blues Mothers had a band meeting once. It was so digusting that they wouldn't even feature it on The Jerry Springer Show - let alone mine!" recalled Jememy Kyle (British Chat Show Host)
"I bought a van from The Blues Mothers once. I had to scrape off bogies from under every seat!" seethed Alan Denton (Medway based factory owner)
"I've known Les for many years, and its my considered opinion that he's a Twat!" pondered Barry Archer (Impressario and Guitar Virtuoso of Medway bands 'The Tour' and 'Dirty Bertie')
"I asked the Blues Mothers to record one of my songs - and they bloody changed it!" spluttered Gordon Bryan (Medway based Politician, Entrepreneur, Songwriter, Drummer, Two String Bassist, Guitarist, Singer, Curling Consultant and All Round Good Egg)
"They call him Seven String Les, but lots of people don't realise he's using one of them as a guitar strap!" laughed Slick Valentine from Medway based band 'Shameful Behaviour
"That Les, he's so rude! I've known him for forty years, and last week I asked him to play a song for my Mum, and very reluctantly he agreed, then told me to 'Clear Off' and announced over the microphone, 'If anyone else has any requests, please can you keep them to yourselves - 'cause I'm not in the mood!' remembered Barbara Wilcox from Stanmore
"If you've ever stood downwind of the Blues Mothers, then you'll know why they have to do so many 'Open Air Festivals'" Overheard in the 'Office of Health and Safety canteen'
"Seven String Les! Its only rigor-mortis that keeps him upright!" Les's heart specialist
"Liz smiled the other day, while I was trimming her hair, and her ear studs popped out!" Gina of 'Gina's Pet Grooming Services'
"Les put the Cxxt in Country Music" scoffed Billie-Jo Spears
"Be sure to take eye protection if you go to a Blues Mothers gig; because they're all so very ugly!" giggled Quasimodo at Notre Dame Cathedral
"I'd punch Les's Fxxxxng Lights out - if I could get anywhere NEAR him!" swore Vinnie Jones (actor, celebrity & ex-footballer)
"When LiznLes do their jam (at 3pm, on the 1st Sunday of every month) I have to put a sign outside - saying 'Sorry, we're open!'" gasped Steve, of the Fountain in Sittingbourne
"If music be the food of life, then don't book The Blues Mothers!" William Shakespeare
"I would compare Seven String Les to the late, great Luciano Pavarotti!"shouted the bloke who sells XXXXXXXL T-Shirts in Strood Market - at a disinterested and terrified little myopic old lady who was shuffling huriedly past his stall
"The word on the street is - that Glen Miller staged his own disappearance, just to get rid of that Blues Mother Drummer Roger" snitched Phil Collin's to Bob Geldof at a Band-Aid reunion
"Thata Lizza, the biassa-player, she isa so disliked, ina the banda, thata they pieya for her to travel in a separate cara, driven by me!" sniggered Andrea Bocelli (the opera singer) in a heavy Italian accent which was also slightly sharp in tuning
"Did you know that Margaret Young got 98% in a percussion examination. Roger Young didn't take that examination. Instead, he took an advanced driving test, failed it - but still got the job as Dave Driver's stunt man - when he plays Parker in the next Thunderbirds movie." (a conversation overheard at the burger stand on the A2 at Blackheath Common)
"Dat Seven String Les geezer is well out of order! My girls will tattoo and pierce anyfink, but my Mitzi nearly fainted when he took down 'is trahsis, showed her an 'emeroid and told her to 'PIERCE IT! She told 'im to PIERCE ORF, dats wot she did!" confided Andy Mann of 'Andy's Tatoo Specialists'
At least when I was in 'Beautiful South' I had someone to carry my equipment! These bastards don't even hold the door open for me!" Damon Butcher (Keyboard with Blues Mothers) "Nor me!" replied Bob Goodwin (Keyboard with Blues Mothers)
"That Les starts the gig without me, then has the effing audacity to tell me that I'm late!" expleted Gary Barnacle (Blues Mothers' Sax-player) to tabloid reporter Justin Thyme
"The Blues Mothers have two separate keyboard players, so that when one has a nervous breakdown - the other has recovered!" sympathised Walter Gardner (Groundsman at The Priory)
"This whole Blues Mothers situation just IS NOT funny!" sobbed Norman Wisdom - to Mr Grimsdale
"As well as playing dreadful music, The Blues Mothers also suck - and I should know!" announced Monica Lewinski at a press conference
"Is there no beginning to this band's talent?" enquired Hilary Clinton, the famous American politician - at the same press conference
"I'd rather have Colonic Irrigation that sit through another Blues Mother Gig!" reports Alan Whicker (international journalist)
"The Blues Muvvers are mental!" laughed Brian from Big Brother 2007
"Seven String Les, Ooooh Matron!" cooed Kenneth Williams from the 'Carry On' films
"DIE BLUES MOTHERS - DIE!" shouted Brian Blessed in his latest film
"If I'd known that Les was going to buy one, I would never have invented it!" lamented George Van Eps - the inventor of the Seven String Guitar
"Ze Blues Mothers are, 'ow you say - crap, yes or no! Orr ee orr ee orr Je t'deteste!" whispered Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg on their latest version of 'Je t'aime moi non plus!'
"The Blues Mothers? More like the BOOZE Mothers!" sneered The Very Reverend Creedence Smythe-Jones in his "Temperance Today" newsletter to the Parish of Bridgewater in the Scottish Highlands
"Seven String Les thinks that he is both posh and privileged, but he is actually just a stupid twat!" stated Joanna Lumley (actress and celebrity)
"Our customers love listening to Seven String Les and The Blues Mothers - from outside. And its not just because of the Smoking Ban!" moaned Sinead & Graham of Ryan's Pub in Southborough
"Seven String Les? I hate the fat baxxxxrd!" decreed Her Majesty The Queen
"He's no son of mine!" snarled Les's Mum
"LiznLes are a couple of Twats!" observed Rory Alderson the Blues Mothers Recording Engineer
"An evening spent watching Roger,The Blues Mothers' drummer, is proof that there is 'Death after Life!" writes Dignam Deep from 'Undertaking Today'
"Seven String Les has more soul than Shoefayre!" writes Katie Treadwell of 'Insteps & Uppers Magazine'
"Les ain't my Brother, he's just heavy!" remarked Les's brother at the reading of their Father's will
"Liz is one of the best bass players in our field!" complimented Daisy the Cow at 'Fallowfield Farm' in Hampshire
"Les's voice has no real BALLS at all, and I should know!" wrote Juan Testicle of 'Spanish Scrotum Monthly'
"That Drummer Roger, ought to take a day job as a Taxi or Coach driver - or something similar, but probably in a Reliant Robin or on a moped!" suggested Dave Driver (a local singing celebrity)
"Blimey! Is that Drummer fellow still alive?" complained Nelson Mandela
"Several landlords at our gigs pay me extra money - just to drown the rest of them out with my keyboards!" sympathised Bob Goodwin, pianist with The Blues Mothers
"I particularly like playing with Liz, Les & Roger, because it reminds me of my roots, well 'root canal treatment' to be precise!" winged Gary Barnacle, the Tenor Saxaphone Virtuoso and part time Blues Mother
"I would like to nominate Seven String Les to perform a concert for the deaf somewhere a long way away!" venemously spat Simon Rawlings, who is 'Les's deadly enemy from The Billabong Club in Rochester'
"Never before, has so little been owed by so few, to so many musicians in The Blues Mothers - for doing bugger all!" broadcasted Sir Winston Churchill (ex-politician & diplomat 'deceased')
"Les and I go back forty years - sometimes I wish he'd bloody well stayed there!" reminisced Damon Butcher who also plays keyboard with The Blues Mothers
"That Liz is HORRIBLE!" proclaimed Martha Tydvil from Wales to a reporter. "I just happened to mention that when Les plays her short scale bass on jam nights, what with him being a bit large, the spectacle is reminiscent of George Formby playing a little ukelele banjo. In short, the cow punched me, bloodying my nose in the process. What really upset me, was Les & Roger looking down and shouting at me 'It's turned out nice again!'"
"Apparently 7 String Les is playing a lot of our old material!" our reporter heard Hank Marvin mention to Brian Bennet and Bruce Welch. "I'm a bit insulted by the name of his 'Tribute' (or should I say 'Insult Band')though. They're calling it 'Wank Starving and the Saddoes' It just isn't funny!"
"The Blues Mothers are the best band I've ever heard!" exclaimed Menzies Campbell - as he wrote his letter of resignation from 'The Liberal Democrats'
"7 String Les applied to be on 'Strictly Come Dancing!" He was dragged from the studio by five Security Men - because HE DID!" sneered Len Goodman panellist and expert whilst wiping his forehead
"Roger Young applied to be on 'Strictly Come Dancing' but was turned away because nobody wanted to be his partner!" snapped Arlene Philips (panellist and expert) before biting the head off a ferret
"Liz and Les have started a new band called the Rockapaddies. They've advertised for a drummer, but Roger will turn up at the audition in one of his disguises and get the job AS USUAL in one of Les's bands!" laughed Phil Collins at the A2 Little Chef reastaurant recently. "Ha ha, they'll never escape him!"
"Les has had a few days break this week - I wish he'd made it a few years!" confided Roger to The Medways biggest gossip Simon Rawlings, this week
"Blues Mothers CDs aren't released - they escape!" groaned Natasha Kaplinski to a close friend at the BBC
"Seven String Les was singing 'Lean On Me' the other night. I've got news for him - there isn't any lean on him!" scoffed Simon Rawlings (Big Bopper and Danny La Rue impersonator) as he tucked into his sixth burger - at Legends in Rochester
"I saw and heard The Blues Mothers at a jam the other night. I won't be going again!" confided Richard Briars to Felicity Kendal and Penelope Keith at a Good Life reunion
"Ze Blues Mothers! Zey are sheet!" announce Pancho Villa the Mexican rebel
"Sometimes I wish I had become a Priest, then I could have married Les's parents!" snapped Roger, after yet another criticism of his drumming by Les
"The first thing the Conservatives will do when we get back in power is 'Ban The Blues Mothers!" promised David Cameron at The Conservative Party Conference
"Apparently, Ian Duncan-Smith and William Hague have both been in touch with Roger - for hair dressing tips!" blushed political TV News correspondent Nick Robinson (who has also consulted Roger)
"Liz has begun rehearsals for a new 'Brittany Spears' tribute act - called 'BrokeAnyWind' reports next door neighbour Ethel. "It sounds fuxxxxng 'orrible!" she added
"When Les dies - I'm going to have a 'Minute of Noise' at the Billabong Club!" smiled Simon Rawlings, that nasty man from The Billabong Club
"That Liz walks around with such a dour expression on her face - as if she's got a piece of sXXt next to her. She has, and its Les!" Trevor McDonald (ex news anchor-man)
"Les goes around telling people he used to be an actor in fims. I do know that he got thrown off the film set in Elstree - for having a 'Small Part' in Ryan's Daughter!" remarked Sir John Mills, only weeks before his death
"I spent a fortnight with Les 'one afternoon'!" sneered Simon Rawlings 'again'
"That Roger thinks he's a bloody gourmet! GOURMET? He's the only bloke I know, who thinks 'Coq au vin' is a night of romance in Les's Camper!" snarled Jilly Goolden the famous TV food and wine expert
"A Pony Tail can look cool on some men, but on Les - its still a tassel covering a horse's arse!" Nicky Clarke (hairdresser to the stars)
"Following The Blues Mothers gig at The Five Bells in Hoo St Werberough; the question is not HOO? - The question is WHY?" exclaimed a startled regular of the pub. "I'm enjoying having to stand outside because of the smoking ban!" he added. "Especially when they've got bands like this on!"
"I usually do the first set at The Billabong Club - and Liz & Les do the second. I can't understand why the customers don't applaud my set until after they've finished their set!" complained a bewildered Simon Rawlings today. Liz replied sardonically "Its probably because you're crap Simon!"
"Apparently, at next year's Medway River Festival the organisers are going to lower Les onto the barge by crane, because last year when he got on, the whole thing nearly capsized!" chuckled Roger at the bar last night at a jam - nodding his head the way old people do when they reminisce
READ WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT SEVEN STRING LES AND THE BLUES MOTHERS (You'll be Surprised)
Category: Quiz/Survey
READ WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT SEVEN STRING LES & THE BLUES MOTHERS
At a recent Blues Mothers gig, an off-duty nurse refused Roger resuscitation. An indignant Roger protested later, "I hadn't even asked her for any!"
Liz bought a new electric double bass this week. Young John Bowles at Music Matters did a wonderful salesman job on it, extolling the instrument's virtues. After a few minutes Liz asked him to stop - and explained, "Don't worry about it John - Im buying it to use as a weapon! Is there anything available on the market for sharpening the spike at the bottom?"
It is common local knowledge that Big Bopper impersonator Simon Rawlings hates 7 String Les 'Big Time' - and relations between them are somewhat taut most of the time. "I've been studying the Occult methods of sticking pins in dolls that represent one's enemy." said Simon this week, then added cruelly "The problem is - that they don't fxxxking make one big enough for Les!"
"There are a lot of local bands breaking up at the moment, and lots of their disloyal musicians are secretly joining other bands!" Roger remarked to his next door neighbour - as his drumming wife Margaret waved goodbye on her way to a gig with Sunrise
The Blues Mothers have put in their expense accounts for services to Great Britain. Roger said earlier today "I thought it would be best for us to do ours while there is still money in before Alex Salmond gets his!"
Les was dragged away from Roger this week following yet another attempt by the former to strangle the latter! When asked why he keeps doing it - Les broke down and blamed re-runs of the Scottish TV Detective series Taggart. Les said "When they go on and on about Murrdurrerrs and Perrpetrratorrs, I find myself reaching for a guitar lead!" Liz and Margaret made him apologise to Roger and they reluctantly shook hands. Les was heard to whisper to an old aged female fan who was sleeping nearby (clutching a bottle of methylated spirits "The battle may be overr, but the warr has only just begun Lassie!" As Les was led away Margaret whispered to Roger "Leave him. He's not worth it!"
Roger's female stalker was seen leaving Spec Savers over the weekend
"Les has taken a few days off from The Blues Mothers this week - to work on The Rockapaddies repertoire" reports Bob Goodwin. "I don't know why he's bothering - its all Irish to me!"
"I heard this week," Les told our reporter "that Simon Rawlings is to do a tribute show dedicated to The Late Great Johnny Cash!" At this point Liz asked "What is he going to call himself, The Man In Pink?"
"Liz, Les and Roger are in a new band called The Rockapaddies as well as The Blues Mothers now. Its quite funny when Roger forgets which band is booked for the gig!" laughed Seamus O'Sullivan (drummer with The Limerick Leaping Leprachauns of Lenham)
"There are rumours that Simon Rawlings is to replace Luciano Pavarotti in the concerts with Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras. They are going to be called 'Three Tenors and a Nine Bob Note!" Les confided to Tim Wilson (sound-man at The Billabong Club) this week
"The Blues Mothers all finished a song at the same time this week. That sounds like an 'arrangement' to me!" laughed Amanda, the barmaid at The Pilot
"Seven String Les reckon's that he used to entertain the troops in the Falklands War! Well - if he did, it was the enemy troups because I never saw him there!" broadcast Kate Adey, News at 10
"I've played to packed houses all over the World as The Big Bopper! How dare that '7 String Les' ridicule me in public at The Billabong Club every week? How dare he? I'm a star I tell you!" sobbed Simon Rawlings to his tear drenched Teddy Bear - on the way to Holland, aboard the 'Rocking on Heaven's Door' tour bus (whilst his best mate Darren 'Jerry Lee Lewis' Green 'broke wind' into the formers fresh air fan)
"That fat baxxxrd Seven String Les called me up for the finale at The Fountain on Sunday when he knew I had just broken one string, and had only five on!" seethed Slick Valentine, then continued "That gave him a two string advantage for the last five minutes! I'll get him at The Pilot on Thursday!"
"It seems like only yesterday when Les first approached me for a gig in my pub!" recalls Sean from 'The Entertainer' in Sittingbourne. "I wish it was tomorrow, I'd call the whole thing off!"
"I think that the Blues Mothers are by far the most exciting, interesting and talented group around today!" writes Mr R. Slick from Pratt's Bottom
"Last Winter, as usual, Roger wrote his name in yellow (from his open bedroom window)on the first snowfall across his lawn. The confusing thing was - that it was in Les's handwriting" muttered neighbourhood watch supervisor Perry Scope
"My husband Bob hasn't appeared with The Blues Mothers for about three weeks now. Every night he gets down on his knees and prays that the phone doesn't ring!" whispered Linda Goodwin to a neighbour
"Hi, I'm Rory! Liz & Les came out with the instructor and I for a driving lesson the other week. After a few minutes I heard crying and knocking from the back. 'What's that noise?' I asked. 'It's Les's knees!' sobbed Liz."
"I managed to hide from Les for 35 years before he found me. I went to Ireland and within two days he had found me. Next I went to Lanzarote and he found me. Tomorrow I leave for Mission Control at NASA!" shouted Damon(keyboards)
"That Roger fancies himself as a bit of a war hero in the RAF. You've probably seen some of his coaches around the country. They say 'Spitfire UK' on the side!" whined Mr R Swipe of Chattenden
"The Blues Mothers are great!" enthused Stan Moore from Romford
The Blues Mothers are crap!" complained Ron Ford from Stanmore
"Liz and Les go to a lot of 'Jam Nights' looking for new talent, but Roger is still their drummer" laughed Roger's wife Margaret
"Good Morning!" said comedienne Jo Brand to Liz, in Dulwich on Monday Oct 8th 2007
"Roger had a stalker at The White Horse on Saturday night at the Blues Mothers' gig. When I asked Margaret what to do - she told me to 'kick the poor woman's gude dog'!" reported Liz on Sunday morning
"That Seven String Les thinks he's clever - just because he knows a few chords and does all those jazz riffs - well I bet I've had more birds than him!" boasted Simon Rawlings. "Yeah right! We believe you Simon!"
"Les, Simon Rawlings and Big Dave Tettmar sometimes play in a band called The Wide Boys. There can only be the three of them in the band - because there's no bloody room for anyone else on the stage!" laughed Bob Goodwin (Blues Mothers keyboard player)
"Some tension in the band at a jam on Thursday, when Roger attempted to play Take Five in 4/4 time. Les shouted at him angrily -'You're not in fxxxxng Sunrise now!" recalled Roger's long suffering wife and Blues Mothers deputy drummer Margaret
Even more problems this week, when Roger absent mindedly and with no malicious intent played the solo from 'Wipe-Out' in the middle of 'The Thrill has Gone'!" reports a supporter of the band (yes - there are a few) who was standing nearby. "I wouldn't have noticed," he added "If I hadn't just taken out one of my earplugs for a moment - to have a scratch!"
"It doesn't matter who you vote for at election time - the government will still get in!" announced Blues Mothers drummer Roger from his 'special' chair at the Old Folks Home this week
"The Blues Mothers always vote for Barry Archer & The Great Gordino at local election time because they have honour and integrity and are not in the least bit sleazy!" gasped Les, through broken teeth - while Gordon held him and Barry beat the crap out of him
"Liz and Les have always been interested in politics. They were playing at a Conservative Rally a a couple of years ago and a reporter asked them what they thought certain candidates should do about 'The Homosexuality Bill' Liz and Les both agreed that the politicians in question should pay it" reported a BBC News reporter from Blackpool, who preferred to remain anymous
The name 'Wilde' is quite significant in Blues Mother history. Les once had a hair dresser girlfriend called Pamela Wilde, Gary used to go out with Kim Wilde, Liz has been out with Marty Wilde - and Roger has been out with Oscar Wilde" claimed leading Paperazzi reporter Nosey Parker this week
"The Blues Mothers were playing at our pub The Maypole last night, and quite frankly we're starting a petition to change the name of our village from 'Borden' to 'Boredom' in time for their next visit on New Year's Eve!" screamed Lesley and Kevin (The Landlords of The Maypole Inn in Sittingbourne
"I hear that 7 String Les spent several years on a Cruise Ship. Its a pity it wasn't the bloody Titanic!" scoffed HRH Prince Philip the Duke of Edinborough
"I overheard a conversation between Liz & Les the other day. She asked him what he thought of Anne Widdicombe. Les replied "I'll have to ask Bill Brewer and Dan Stewer and Uncle Tom Cobbly and all!" reported a bewildered Tom Collier
"I'd dearly love to book 7 String Les to play in a pantomime I'm producing this Christmas, but how can the audience shout out 'BEHIND YOU' when there's no bloody room for anyone behind him!" confided Bill Kenwright (Leading West End Impressario)
"The Blues Mothers are the kind of band that makes this country GRATE!" enthused Gordon Brown (Prime Minister and Labour Party Leader) at the Labour Party Conference in Bournemouth
"Blues Mother drummer Roger volunteered to walk around Maidstone wearing a sandwich board advertising the band, but true to form he had eaten it before he left home!" laughed his dastardly rival Dave Driver
"All that money, and the Blues Mothers still live like pigs!" squealed Pinky and Perky
"Please don't get us wrong, we love The Blues Mothers, but why do Les and that Damon keep pulling strange faces at each other on the jazz tunes - while they play those weird notes and chords. It puts us off our late night Curry." complained confused Gina and Matt (landlords of the Pilot in Maidstone)
"Seven String Les's guitars are covered with residue from burgers, chips, beer & rum. They're a bacterial minefield and we're certainly not touching them!" screamed Kim and Aggie (TV hygiene consultants from 'A Life of Grime')
"The Blues Mothers are wubbish, their music is cwap and for me, buying one of their Cds would be pergatwee and daylight wobbewy!" seethed Jonathan Ross (Chat show host and film cwitic)
"I know where the Blues Mothers are coming from, and where they're going to - NOWHERE!" dribbled the Right Honourable Les Patterson (Australian Cultural Attache)
"Admittedly Roger has some nice cars, but the way he drives them leaves a lot to be desired! Put him behind the wheel and he becomes really aggressive, like a wide eyed, ferocious, rabid bush baby!" complained Jeremy Clarkson, in a tedious and bored monotone
"The Bluesa Motheras! No Commento!" declined the Pope
"Its Margaret we feel sorry for. After each gig she has to drive Liz back to rehab, Les back to prison and Roger back to the Old People's Home!" sympathised Alan & Leslie from the White Horse in Maidstone
"Give Liz a makeover? How can we make her look half decent, when she insists on having a clothing account card at Millets?" scathed Trinny & Susannah (TV fashion consultants)
"Liz, Roger & Les used to spend a lot of time in my pub, so I sold it!" smiled Ian (ex landlord of The Three Mariners)
"I've put all of my Blues Mothers tracks on one I-Pod - and thrown it away! Ha Ha!" chortled an agent who used to represent the band
"The Blues Mothers seem to be everywhere in this town at the moment! Thats why I'm moving into the country." explained road-sweeper Nigel Poncenby-Smythe
"That Roger played a drum solo the other night. It sounded like a collision between two furniture lorries." laughed a local drummer, who wishes to remain anonymous for reasons of cowardice
"I saw Les in a cheap porn film once. It was called 'Nelson's Column' & Les played the Column, need I say more?" gasped an anonymous, aged 'bag lady' who was sitting on a bench at an open air event at The Command House in Chatham. She then added "-and I played Lady Hamilton!"
"What the Blues Mothers need is 'Exterminating!'" droned Davros (Leader of The Daleks)
"Weird clothes, wierd chords, weird people!" mused Princess Michael of Kent
"The Blues Mothers had a band meeting once. It was so digusting that they wouldn't even feature it on The Jerry Springer Show - let alone mine!" recalled Jememy Kyle (British Chat Show Host)
"I bought a van from The Blues Mothers once. I had to scrape off bogies from under every seat!" seethed Alan Denton (Medway based factory owner)
"I've known Les for many years, and its my considered opinion that he's a Twat!" pondered Barry Archer (Impressario and Guitar Virtuoso of Medway bands 'The Tour' and 'Dirty Bertie')
"I asked the Blues Mothers to record one of my songs - and they bloody changed it!" spluttered Gordon Bryan (Medway based Politician, Entrepreneur, Songwriter, Drummer, Two String Bassist, Guitarist, Singer, Curling Consultant and All Round Good Egg)
"They call him Seven String Les, but lots of people don't realise he's using one of them as a guitar strap!" laughed Slick Valentine from Medway based band 'Shameful Behaviour
"That Les, he's so rude! I've known him for forty years, and last week I asked him to play a song for my Mum, and very reluctantly he agreed, then told me to 'Clear Off' and announced over the microphone, 'If anyone else has any requests, please can you keep them to yourselves - 'cause I'm not in the mood!' remembered Barbara Wilcox from Stanmore
"If you've ever stood downwind of the Blues Mothers, then you'll know why they have to do so many 'Open Air Festivals'" Overheard in the 'Office of Health and Safety canteen'
"Seven String Les! Its only rigor-mortis that keeps him upright!" Les's heart specialist
"Liz smiled the other day, while I was trimming her hair, and her ear studs popped out!" Gina of 'Gina's Pet Grooming Services'
"Les put the Cxxt in Country Music" scoffed Billie-Jo Spears
"Be sure to take eye protection if you go to a Blues Mothers gig; because they're all so very ugly!" giggled Quasimodo at Notre Dame Cathedral
"I'd punch Les's Fxxxxng Lights out - if I could get anywhere NEAR him!" swore Vinnie Jones (actor, celebrity & ex-footballer)
"When LiznLes do their jam (at 3pm, on the 1st Sunday of every month) I have to put a sign outside - saying 'Sorry, we're open!'" gasped Steve, of the Fountain in Sittingbourne
"If music be the food of life, then don't book The Blues Mothers!" William Shakespeare
"I would compare Seven String Les to the late, great Luciano Pavarotti!"shouted the bloke who sells XXXXXXXL T-Shirts in Strood Market - at a disinterested and terrified little myopic old lady who was shuffling huriedly past his stall
"The word on the street is - that Glen Miller staged his own disappearance, just to get rid of that Blues Mother Drummer Roger" snitched Phil Collin's to Bob Geldof at a Band-Aid reunion
"Thata Lizza, the biassa-player, she isa so disliked, ina the banda, thata they pieya for her to travel in a separate cara, driven by me!" sniggered Andrea Bocelli (the opera singer) in a heavy Italian accent which was also slightly sharp in tuning
"Did you know that Margaret Young got 98% in a percussion examination. Roger Young didn't take that examination. Instead, he took an advanced driving test, failed it - but still got the job as Dave Driver's stunt man - when he plays Parker in the next Thunderbirds movie." (a conversation overheard at the burger stand on the A2 at Blackheath Common)
"Dat Seven String Les geezer is well out of order! My girls will tattoo and pierce anyfink, but my Mitzi nearly fainted when he took down 'is trahsis, showed her an 'emeroid and told her to 'PIERCE IT! She told 'im to PIERCE ORF, dats wot she did!" confided Andy Mann of 'Andy's Tatoo Specialists'
At least when I was in 'Beautiful South' I had someone to carry my equipment! These bastards don't even hold the door open for me!" Damon Butcher (Keyboard with Blues Mothers) "Nor me!" replied Bob Goodwin (Keyboard with Blues Mothers)
"That Les starts the gig without me, then has the effing audacity to tell me that I'm late!" expleted Gary Barnacle (Blues Mothers' Sax-player) to tabloid reporter Justin Thyme
"The Blues Mothers have two separate keyboard players, so that when one has a nervous breakdown - the other has recovered!" sympathised Walter Gardner (Groundsman at The Priory)
"This whole Blues Mothers situation just IS NOT funny!" sobbed Norman Wisdom - to Mr Grimsdale
"As well as playing dreadful music, The Blues Mothers also suck - and I should know!" announced Monica Lewinski at a press conference
"Is there no beginning to this band's talent?" enquired Hilary Clinton, the famous American politician - at the same press conference
"I'd rather have Colonic Irrigation that sit through another Blues Mother Gig!" reports Alan Whicker (international journalist)
"The Blues Muvvers are mental!" laughed Brian from Big Brother 2007
"Seven String Les, Ooooh Matron!" cooed Kenneth Williams from the 'Carry On' films
"DIE BLUES MOTHERS - DIE!" shouted Brian Blessed in his latest film
"If I'd known that Les was going to buy one, I would never have invented it!" lamented George Van Eps - the inventor of the Seven String Guitar
"Ze Blues Mothers are, 'ow you say - crap, yes or no! Orr ee orr ee orr Je t'deteste!" whispered Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg on their latest version of 'Je t'aime moi non plus!'
"The Blues Mothers? More like the BOOZE Mothers!" sneered The Very Reverend Creedence Smythe-Jones in his "Temperance Today" newsletter to the Parish of Bridgewater in the Scottish Highlands
"Seven String Les thinks that he is both posh and privileged, but he is actually just a stupid twat!" stated Joanna Lumley (actress and celebrity)
"Our customers love listening to Seven String Les and The Blues Mothers - from outside. And its not just because of the Smoking Ban!" moaned Sinead & Graham of Ryan's Pub in Southborough
"Seven String Les? I hate the fat baxxxxrd!" decreed Her Majesty The Queen
"He's no son of mine!" snarled Les's Mum
"LiznLes are a couple of Twats!" observed Rory Alderson the Blues Mothers Recording Engineer
"An evening spent watching Roger,The Blues Mothers' drummer, is proof that there is 'Death after Life!" writes Dignam Deep from 'Undertaking Today'
"Seven String Les has more soul than Shoefayre!" writes Katie Treadwell of 'Insteps & Uppers Magazine'
"Les ain't my Brother, he's just heavy!" remarked Les's brother at the reading of their Father's will
"Liz is one of the best bass players in our field!" complimented Daisy the Cow at 'Fallowfield Farm' in Hampshire
"Les's voice has no real BALLS at all, and I should know!" wrote Juan Testicle of 'Spanish Scrotum Monthly'
"That Drummer Roger, ought to take a day job as a Taxi or Coach driver - or something similar, but probably in a Reliant Robin or on a moped!" suggested Dave Driver (a local singing celebrity)
"Blimey! Is that Drummer fellow still alive?" complained Nelson Mandela
"Several landlords at our gigs pay me extra money - just to drown the rest of them out with my keyboards!" sympathised Bob Goodwin, pianist with The Blues Mothers
"I particularly like playing with Liz, Les & Roger, because it reminds me of my roots, well 'root canal treatment' to be precise!" winged Gary Barnacle, the Tenor Saxaphone Virtuoso and part time Blues Mother
"I would like to nominate Seven String Les to perform a concert for the deaf somewhere a long way away!" venemously spat Simon Rawlings, who is 'Les's deadly enemy from The Billabong Club in Rochester'
"Never before, has so little been owed by so few, to so many musicians in The Blues Mothers - for doing bugger all!" broadcasted Sir Winston Churchill (ex-politician & diplomat 'deceased')
"Les and I go back forty years - sometimes I wish he'd bloody well stayed there!" reminisced Damon Butcher who also plays keyboard with The Blues Mothers
"That Liz is HORRIBLE!" proclaimed Martha Tydvil from Wales to a reporter. "I just happened to mention that when Les plays her short scale bass on jam nights, what with him being a bit large, the spectacle is reminiscent of George Formby playing a little ukelele banjo. In short, the cow punched me, bloodying my nose in the process. What really upset me, was Les & Roger looking down and shouting at me 'It's turned out nice again!'"
"Apparently 7 String Les is playing a lot of our old material!" our reporter heard Hank Marvin mention to Brian Bennet and Bruce Welch. "I'm a bit insulted by the name of his 'Tribute' (or should I say 'Insult Band')though. They're calling it 'Wank Starving and the Saddoes' It just isn't funny!"
"The Blues Mothers are the best band I've ever heard!" exclaimed Menzies Campbell - as he wrote his letter of resignation from 'The Liberal Democrats'
"7 String Les applied to be on 'Strictly Come Dancing!" He was dragged from the studio by five Security Men - because HE DID!" sneered Len Goodman panellist and expert whilst wiping his forehead
"Roger Young applied to be on 'Strictly Come Dancing' but was turned away because nobody wanted to be his partner!" snapped Arlene Philips (panellist and expert) before biting the head off a ferret
"Liz and Les have started a new band called the Rockapaddies. They've advertised for a drummer, but Roger will turn up at the audition in one of his disguises and get the job AS USUAL in one of Les's bands!" laughed Phil Collins at the A2 Little Chef reastaurant recently. "Ha ha, they'll never escape him!"
"Les has had a few days break this week - I wish he'd made it a few years!" confided Roger to The Medways biggest gossip Simon Rawlings, this week
"Blues Mothers CDs aren't released - they escape!" groaned Natasha Kaplinski to a close friend at the BBC
"Seven String Les was singing 'Lean On Me' the other night. I've got news for him - there isn't any lean on him!" scoffed Simon Rawlings (Big Bopper and Danny La Rue impersonator) as he tucked into his sixth burger - at Legends in Rochester
"I saw and heard The Blues Mothers at a jam the other night. I won't be going again!" confided Richard Briars to Felicity Kendal and Penelope Keith at a Good Life reunion
"Ze Blues Mothers! Zey are sheet!" announce Pancho Villa the Mexican rebel
"Sometimes I wish I had become a Priest, then I could have married Les's parents!" snapped Roger, after yet another criticism of his drumming by Les
"The first thing the Conservatives will do when we get back in power is 'Ban The Blues Mothers!" promised David Cameron at The Conservative Party Conference
"Apparently, Ian Duncan-Smith and William Hague have both been in touch with Roger - for hair dressing tips!" blushed political TV News correspondent Nick Robinson (who has also consulted Roger)
"Liz has begun rehearsals for a new 'Brittany Spears' tribute act - called 'BrokeAnyWind' reports next door neighbour Ethel. "It sounds fuxxxxng 'orrible!" she added
"When Les dies - I'm going to have a 'Minute of Noise' at the Billabong Club!" smiled Simon Rawlings, that nasty man from The Billabong Club
"That Liz walks around with such a dour expression on her face - as if she's got a piece of sXXt next to her. She has, and its Les!" Trevor McDonald (ex news anchor-man)
"Les goes around telling people he used to be an actor in fims. I do know that he got thrown off the film set in Elstree - for having a 'Small Part' in Ryan's Daughter!" remarked Sir John Mills, only weeks before his death
"I spent a fortnight with Les 'one afternoon'!" sneered Simon Rawlings 'again'
"That Roger thinks he's a bloody gourmet! GOURMET? He's the only bloke I know, who thinks 'Coq au vin' is a night of romance in Les's Camper!" snarled Jilly Goolden the famous TV food and wine expert
"A Pony Tail can look cool on some men, but on Les - its still a tassel covering a horse's arse!" Nicky Clarke (hairdresser to the stars)
"Following The Blues Mothers gig at The Five Bells in Hoo St Werberough; the question is not HOO? - The question is WHY?" exclaimed a startled regular of the pub. "I'm enjoying having to stand outside because of the smoking ban!" he added. "Especially when they've got bands like this on!"
"I usually do the first set at The Billabong Club - and Liz & Les do the second. I can't understand why the customers don't applaud my set until after they've finished their set!" complained a bewildered Simon Rawlings today. Liz replied sardonically "Its probably because you're crap Simon!"
"Apparently, at next year's Medway River Festival the organisers are going to lower Les onto the barge by crane, because last year when he got on, the whole thing nearly capsized!" chuckled Roger at the bar last night at a jam - nodding his head the way old people do when they reminisce
READ WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT SEVEN STRING LES AND THE BLUES MOTHERS (You'll be Surprised)
Category: Quiz/Survey
READ WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT SEVEN STRING LES & THE BLUES MOTHERS
At a recent Blues Mothers gig, an off-duty nurse refused Roger resuscitation. An indignant Roger protested later, "I hadn't even asked her for any!"
Liz bought a new electric double bass this week. Young John Bowles at Music Matters did a wonderful salesman job on it, extolling the instrument's virtues. After a few minutes Liz asked him to stop - and explained, "Don't worry about it John - Im buying it to use as a weapon! Is there anything available on the market for sharpening the spike at the bottom?"
It is common local knowledge that Big Bopper impersonator Simon Rawlings hates 7 String Les 'Big Time' - and relations between them are somewhat taut most of the time. "I've been studying the Occult methods of sticking pins in dolls that represent one's enemy." said Simon this week, then added cruelly "The problem is - that they don't fxxxking make one big enough for Les!"
"There are a lot of local bands breaking up at the moment, and lots of their disloyal musicians are secretly joining other bands!" Roger remarked to his next door neighbour - as his drumming wife Margaret waved goodbye on her way to a gig with Sunrise
The Blues Mothers have put in their expense accounts for services to Great Britain. Roger said earlier today "I thought it would be best for us to do ours while there is still money in before Alex Salmond gets his!"
Les was dragged away from Roger this week following yet another attempt by the former to strangle the latter! When asked why he keeps doing it - Les broke down and blamed re-runs of the Scottish TV Detective series Taggart. Les said "When they go on and on about Murrdurrerrs and Perrpetrratorrs, I find myself reaching for a guitar lead!" Liz and Margaret made him apologise to Roger and they reluctantly shook hands. Les was heard to whisper to an old aged female fan who was sleeping nearby (clutching a bottle of methylated spirits "The battle may be overr, but the warr has only just begun Lassie!" As Les was led away Margaret whispered to Roger "Leave him. He's not worth it!"
Roger's female stalker was seen leaving Spec Savers over the weekend
"Les has taken a few days off from The Blues Mothers this week - to work on The Rockapaddies repertoire" reports Bob Goodwin. "I don't know why he's bothering - its all Irish to me!"
"I heard this week," Les told our reporter "that Simon Rawlings is to do a tribute show dedicated to The Late Great Johnny Cash!" At this point Liz asked "What is he going to call himself, The Man In Pink?"
"Liz, Les and Roger are in a new band called The Rockapaddies as well as The Blues Mothers now. Its quite funny when Roger forgets which band is booked for the gig!" laughed Seamus O'Sullivan (drummer with The Limerick Leaping Leprachauns of Lenham)
"There are rumours that Simon Rawlings is to replace Luciano Pavarotti in the concerts with Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras. They are going to be called 'Three Tenors and a Nine Bob Note!" Les confided to Tim Wilson (sound-man at The Billabong Club) this week
"The Blues Mothers all finished a song at the same time this week. That sounds like an 'arrangement' to me!" laughed Amanda, the barmaid at The Pilot
"Seven String Les reckon's that he used to entertain the troops in the Falklands War! Well - if he did, it was the enemy troups because I never saw him there!" broadcast Kate Adey, News at 10
"I've played to packed houses all over the World as The Big Bopper! How dare that '7 String Les' ridicule me in public at The Billabong Club every week? How dare he? I'm a star I tell you!" sobbed Simon Rawlings to his tear drenched Teddy Bear - on the way to Holland, aboard the 'Rocking on Heaven's Door' tour bus (whilst his best mate Darren 'Jerry Lee Lewis' Green 'broke wind' into the formers fresh air fan)
"That fat baxxxrd Seven String Les called me up for the finale at The Fountain on Sunday when he knew I had just broken one string, and had only five on!" seethed Slick Valentine, then continued "That gave him a two string advantage for the last five minutes! I'll get him at The Pilot on Thursday!"
"It seems like only yesterday when Les first approached me for a gig in my pub!" recalls Sean from 'The Entertainer' in Sittingbourne. "I wish it was tomorrow, I'd call the whole thing off!"
"I think that the Blues Mothers are by far the most exciting, interesting and talented group around today!" writes Mr R. Slick from Pratt's Bottom
"Last Winter, as usual, Roger wrote his name in yellow (from his open bedroom window)on the first snowfall across his lawn. The confusing thing was - that it was in Les's handwriting" muttered neighbourhood watch supervisor Perry Scope
"My husband Bob hasn't appeared with The Blues Mothers for about three weeks now. Every night he gets down on his knees and prays that the phone doesn't ring!" whispered Linda Goodwin to a neighbour
"Hi, I'm Rory! Liz & Les came out with the instructor and I for a driving lesson the other week. After a few minutes I heard crying and knocking from the back. 'What's that noise?' I asked. 'It's Les's knees!' sobbed Liz."
"I managed to hide from Les for 35 years before he found me. I went to Ireland and within two days he had found me. Next I went to Lanzarote and he found me. Tomorrow I leave for Mission Control at NASA!" shouted Damon(keyboards)
"That Roger fancies himself as a bit of a war hero in the RAF. You've probably seen some of his coaches around the country. They say 'Spitfire UK' on the side!" whined Mr R Swipe of Chattenden
"The Blues Mothers are great!" enthused Stan Moore from Romford
The Blues Mothers are crap!" complained Ron Ford from Stanmore
"Liz and Les go to a lot of 'Jam Nights' looking for new talent, but Roger is still their drummer" laughed Roger's wife Margaret
"Good Morning!" said comedienne Jo Brand to Liz, in Dulwich on Monday Oct 8th 2007
"Roger had a stalker at The White Horse on Saturday night at the Blues Mothers' gig. When I asked Margaret what to do - she told me to 'kick the poor woman's gude dog'!" reported Liz on Sunday morning
"That Seven String Les thinks he's clever - just because he knows a few chords and does all those jazz riffs - well I bet I've had more birds than him!" boasted Simon Rawlings. "Yeah right! We believe you Simon!"
"Les, Simon Rawlings and Big Dave Tettmar sometimes play in a band called The Wide Boys. There can only be the three of them in the band - because there's no bloody room for anyone else on the stage!" laughed Bob Goodwin (Blues Mothers keyboard player)
"Some tension in the band at a jam on Thursday, when Roger attempted to play Take Five in 4/4 time. Les shouted at him angrily -'You're not in fxxxxng Sunrise now!" recalled Roger's long suffering wife and Blues Mothers deputy drummer Margaret
Even more problems this week, when Roger absent mindedly and with no malicious intent played the solo from 'Wipe-Out' in the middle of 'The Thrill has Gone'!" reports a supporter of the band (yes - there are a few) who was standing nearby. "I wouldn't have noticed," he added "If I hadn't just taken out one of my earplugs for a moment - to have a scratch!"
"It doesn't matter who you vote for at election time - the government will still get in!" announced Blues Mothers drummer Roger from his 'special' chair at the Old Folks Home this week
"The Blues Mothers always vote for Barry Archer & The Great Gordino at local election time because they have honour and integrity and are not in the least bit sleazy!" gasped Les, through broken teeth - while Gordon held him and Barry beat the crap out of him
"Liz and Les have always been interested in politics. They were playing at a Conservative Rally a a couple of years ago and a reporter asked them what they thought certain candidates should do about 'The Homosexuality Bill' Liz and Les both agreed that the politicians in question should pay it" reported a BBC News reporter from Blackpool, who preferred to remain anymous
The name 'Wilde' is quite significant in Blues Mother history. Les once had a hair dresser girlfriend called Pamela Wilde, Gary used to go out with Kim Wilde, Liz has been out with Marty Wilde - and Roger has been out with Oscar Wilde" claimed leading Paperazzi reporter Nosey Parker this week
"The Blues Mothers were playing at our pub The Maypole last night, and quite frankly we're starting a petition to change the name of our village from 'Borden' to 'Boredom' in time for their next visit on New Year's Eve!" screamed Lesley and Kevin (The Landlords of The Maypole Inn in Sittingbourne
"I hear that 7 String Les spent several years on a Cruise Ship. Its a pity it wasn't the bloody Titanic!" scoffed HRH Prince Philip the Duke of Edinborough
"I overheard a conversation between Liz & Les the other day. She asked him what he thought of Anne Widdicombe. Les replied "I'll have to ask Bill Brewer and Dan Stewer and Uncle Tom Cobbly and all!" reported a bewildered Tom Collier
"I'd dearly love to book 7 String Les to play in a pantomime I'm producing this Christmas, but how can the audience shout out 'BEHIND YOU' when there's no bloody room for anyone behind him!" confided Bill Kenwright (Leading West End Impressario)
"The Blues Mothers are the kind of band that makes this country GRATE!" enthused Gordon Brown (Prime Minister and Labour Party Leader) at the Labour Party Conference in Bournemouth
"Blues Mother drummer Roger volunteered to walk around Maidstone wearing a sandwich board advertising the band, but true to form he had eaten it before he left home!" laughed his dastardly rival Dave Driver
"All that money, and the Blues Mothers still live like pigs!" squealed Pinky and Perky
"Please don't get us wrong, we love The Blues Mothers, but why do Les and that Damon keep pulling strange faces at each other on the jazz tunes - while they play those weird notes and chords. It puts us off our late night Curry." complained confused Gina and Matt (landlords of the Pilot in Maidstone)
"Seven String Les's guitars are covered with residue from burgers, chips, beer & rum. They're a bacterial minefield and we're certainly not touching them!" screamed Kim and Aggie (TV hygiene consultants from 'A Life of Grime')
"The Blues Mothers are wubbish, their music is cwap and for me, buying one of their Cds would be pergatwee and daylight wobbewy!" seethed Jonathan Ross (Chat show host and film cwitic)
"I know where the Blues Mothers are coming from, and where they're going to - NOWHERE!" dribbled the Right Honourable Les Patterson (Australian Cultural Attache)
"Admittedly Roger has some nice cars, but the way he drives them leaves a lot to be desired! Put him behind the wheel and he becomes really aggressive, like a wide eyed, ferocious, rabid bush baby!" complained Jeremy Clarkson, in a tedious and bored monotone
"The Bluesa Motheras! No Commento!" declined the Pope
"Its Margaret we feel sorry for. After each gig she has to drive Liz back to rehab, Les back to prison and Roger back to the Old People's Home!" sympathised Alan & Leslie from the White Horse in Maidstone
"Give Liz a makeover? How can we make her look half decent, when she insists on having a clothing account card at Millets?" scathed Trinny & Susannah (TV fashion consultants)
"Liz, Roger & Les used to spend a lot of time in my pub, so I sold it!" smiled Ian (ex landlord of The Three Mariners)
"I've put all of my Blues Mothers tracks on one I-Pod - and thrown it away! Ha Ha!" chortled an agent who used to represent the band
"The Blues Mothers seem to be everywhere in this town at the moment! Thats why I'm moving into the country." explained road-sweeper Nigel Poncenby-Smythe
"That Roger played a drum solo the other night. It sounded like a collision between two furniture lorries." laughed a local drummer, who wishes to remain anonymous for reasons of cowardice
"I saw Les in a cheap porn film once. It was called 'Nelson's Column' & Les played the Column, need I say more?" gasped an anonymous, aged 'bag lady' who was sitting on a bench at an open air event at The Command House in Chatham. She then added "-and I played Lady Hamilton!"
"What the Blues Mothers need is 'Exterminating!'" droned Davros (Leader of The Daleks)
"Weird clothes, wierd chords, weird people!" mused Princess Michael of Kent
"The Blues Mothers had a band meeting once. It was so digusting that they wouldn't even feature it on The Jerry Springer Show - let alone mine!" recalled Jememy Kyle (British Chat Show Host)
"I bought a van from The Blues Mothers once. I had to scrape off bogies from under every seat!" seethed Alan Denton (Medway based factory owner)
"I've known Les for many years, and its my considered opinion that he's a Twat!" pondered Barry Archer (Impressario and Guitar Virtuoso of Medway bands 'The Tour' and 'Dirty Bertie')
"I asked the Blues Mothers to record one of my songs - and they bloody changed it!" spluttered Gordon Bryan (Medway based Politician, Entrepreneur, Songwriter, Drummer, Two String Bassist, Guitarist, Singer, Curling Consultant and All Round Good Egg)
"They call him Seven String Les, but lots of people don't realise he's using one of them as a guitar strap!" laughed Slick Valentine from Medway based band 'Shameful Behaviour
"That Les, he's so rude! I've known him for forty years, and last week I asked him to play a song for my Mum, and very reluctantly he agreed, then told me to 'Clear Off' and announced over the microphone, 'If anyone else has any requests, please can you keep them to yourselves - 'cause I'm not in the mood!' remembered Barbara Wilcox from Stanmore
"If you've ever stood downwind of the Blues Mothers, then you'll know why they have to do so many 'Open Air Festivals'" Overheard in the 'Office of Health and Safety canteen'
"Seven String Les! Its only rigor-mortis that keeps him upright!" Les's heart specialist
"Liz smiled the other day, while I was trimming her hair, and her ear studs popped out!" Gina of 'Gina's Pet Grooming Services'
"Les put the Cxxt in Country Music" scoffed Billie-Jo Spears
"Be sure to take eye protection if you go to a Blues Mothers gig; because they're all so very ugly!" giggled Quasimodo at Notre Dame Cathedral
"I'd punch Les's Fxxxxng Lights out - if I could get anywhere NEAR him!" swore Vinnie Jones (actor, celebrity & ex-footballer)
"When LiznLes do their jam (at 3pm, on the 1st Sunday of every month) I have to put a sign outside - saying 'Sorry, we're open!'" gasped Steve, of the Fountain in Sittingbourne
"If music be the food of life, then don't book The Blues Mothers!" William Shakespeare
"I would compare Seven String Les to the late, great Luciano Pavarotti!"shouted the bloke who sells XXXXXXXL T-Shirts in Strood Market - at a disinterested and terrified little myopic old lady who was shuffling huriedly past his stall
"The word on the street is - that Glen Miller staged his own disappearance, just to get rid of that Blues Mother Drummer Roger" snitched Phil Collin's to Bob Geldof at a Band-Aid reunion
"Thata Lizza, the biassa-player, she isa so disliked, ina the banda, thata they pieya for her to travel in a separate cara, driven by me!" sniggered Andrea Bocelli (the opera singer) in a heavy Italian accent which was also slightly sharp in tuning
"Did you know that Margaret Young got 98% in a percussion examination. Roger Young didn't take that examination. Instead, he took an advanced driving test, failed it - but still got the job as Dave Driver's stunt man - when he plays Parker in the next Thunderbirds movie." (a conversation overheard at the burger stand on the A2 at Blackheath Common)
"Dat Seven String Les geezer is well out of order! My girls will tattoo and pierce anyfink, but my Mitzi nearly fainted when he took down 'is trahsis, showed her an 'emeroid and told her to 'PIERCE IT! She told 'im to PIERCE ORF, dats wot she did!" confided Andy Mann of 'Andy's Tatoo Specialists'
At least when I was in 'Beautiful South' I had someone to carry my equipment! These bastards don't even hold the door open for me!" Damon Butcher (Keyboard with Blues Mothers) "Nor me!" replied Bob Goodwin (Keyboard with Blues Mothers)
"That Les starts the gig without me, then has the effing audacity to tell me that I'm late!" expleted Gary Barnacle (Blues Mothers' Sax-player) to tabloid reporter Justin Thyme
"The Blues Mothers have two separate keyboard players, so that when one has a nervous breakdown - the other has recovered!" sympathised Walter Gardner (Groundsman at The Priory)
"This whole Blues Mothers situation just IS NOT funny!" sobbed Norman Wisdom - to Mr Grimsdale
"As well as playing dreadful music, The Blues Mothers also suck - and I should know!" announced Monica Lewinski at a press conference
"Is there no beginning to this band's talent?" enquired Hilary Clinton, the famous American politician - at the same press conference
"I'd rather have Colonic Irrigation that sit through another Blues Mother Gig!" reports Alan Whicker (international journalist)
"The Blues Muvvers are mental!" laughed Brian from Big Brother 2007
"Seven String Les, Ooooh Matron!" cooed Kenneth Williams from the 'Carry On' films
"DIE BLUES MOTHERS - DIE!" shouted Brian Blessed in his latest film
"If I'd known that Les was going to buy one, I would never have invented it!" lamented George Van Eps - the inventor of the Seven String Guitar
"Ze Blues Mothers are, 'ow you say - crap, yes or no! Orr ee orr ee orr Je t'deteste!" whispered Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg on their latest version of 'Je t'aime moi non plus!'
"The Blues Mothers? More like the BOOZE Mothers!" sneered The Very Reverend Creedence Smythe-Jones in his "Temperance Today" newsletter to the Parish of Bridgewater in the Scottish Highlands
"Seven String Les thinks that he is both posh and privileged, but he is actually just a stupid twat!" stated Joanna Lumley (actress and celebrity)
"Our customers love listening to Seven String Les and The Blues Mothers - from outside. And its not just because of the Smoking Ban!" moaned Sinead & Graham of Ryan's Pub in Southborough
"Seven String Les? I hate the fat baxxxxrd!" decreed Her Majesty The Queen
"He's no son of mine!" snarled Les's Mum
"LiznLes are a couple of Twats!" observed Rory Alderson the Blues Mothers Recording Engineer
"An evening spent watching Roger,The Blues Mothers' drummer, is proof that there is 'Death after Life!" writes Dignam Deep from 'Undertaking Today'
"Seven String Les has more soul than Shoefayre!" writes Katie Treadwell of 'Insteps & Uppers Magazine'
"Les ain't my Brother, he's just heavy!" remarked Les's brother at the reading of their Father's will
"Liz is one of the best bass players in our field!" complimented Daisy the Cow at 'Fallowfield Farm' in Hampshire
"Les's voice has no real BALLS at all, and I should know!" wrote Juan Testicle of 'Spanish Scrotum Monthly'
"That Drummer Roger, ought to take a day job as a Taxi or Coach driver - or something similar, but probably in a Reliant Robin or on a moped!" suggested Dave Driver (a local singing celebrity)
"Blimey! Is that Drummer fellow still alive?" complained Nelson Mandela
"Several landlords at our gigs pay me extra money - just to drown the rest of them out with my keyboards!" sympathised Bob Goodwin, pianist with The Blues Mothers
"I particularly like playing with Liz, Les & Roger, because it reminds me of my roots, well 'root canal treatment' to be precise!" winged Gary Barnacle, the Tenor Saxaphone Virtuoso and part time Blues Mother
"I would like to nominate Seven String Les to perform a concert for the deaf somewhere a long way away!" venemously spat Simon Rawlings, who is 'Les's deadly enemy from The Billabong Club in Rochester'
"Never before, has so little been owed by so few, to so many musicians in The Blues Mothers - for doing bugger all!" broadcasted Sir Winston Churchill (ex-politician & diplomat 'deceased')
"Les and I go back forty years - sometimes I wish he'd bloody well stayed there!" reminisced Damon Butcher who also plays keyboard with The Blues Mothers
"That Liz is HORRIBLE!" proclaimed Martha Tydvil from Wales to a reporter. "I just happened to mention that when Les plays her short scale bass on jam nights, what with him being a bit large, the spectacle is reminiscent of George Formby playing a little ukelele banjo. In short, the cow punched me, bloodying my nose in the process. What really upset me, was Les & Roger looking down and shouting at me 'It's turned out nice again!'"
"Apparently 7 String Les is playing a lot of our old material!" our reporter heard Hank Marvin mention to Brian Bennet and Bruce Welch. "I'm a bit insulted by the name of his 'Tribute' (or should I say 'Insult Band')though. They're calling it 'Wank Starving and the Saddoes' It just isn't funny!"
"The Blues Mothers are the best band I've ever heard!" exclaimed Menzies Campbell - as he wrote his letter of resignation from 'The Liberal Democrats'
"7 String Les applied to be on 'Strictly Come Dancing!" He was dragged from the studio by five Security Men - because HE DID!" sneered Len Goodman panellist and expert whilst wiping his forehead
"Roger Young applied to be on 'Strictly Come Dancing' but was turned away because nobody wanted to be his partner!" snapped Arlene Philips (panellist and expert) before biting the head off a ferret
"Liz and Les have started a new band called the Rockapaddies. They've advertised for a drummer, but Roger will turn up at the audition in one of his disguises and get the job AS USUAL in one of Les's bands!" laughed Phil Collins at the A2 Little Chef reastaurant recently. "Ha ha, they'll never escape him!"
"Les has had a few days break this week - I wish he'd made it a few years!" confided Roger to The Medways biggest gossip Simon Rawlings, this week
"Blues Mothers CDs aren't released - they escape!" groaned Natasha Kaplinski to a close friend at the BBC
"Seven String Les was singing 'Lean On Me' the other night. I've got news for him - there isn't any lean on him!" scoffed Simon Rawlings (Big Bopper and Danny La Rue impersonator) as he tucked into his sixth burger - at Legends in Rochester
"I saw and heard The Blues Mothers at a jam the other night. I won't be going again!" confided Richard Briars to Felicity Kendal and Penelope Keith at a Good Life reunion
"Ze Blues Mothers! Zey are sheet!" announce Pancho Villa the Mexican rebel
"Sometimes I wish I had become a Priest, then I could have married Les's parents!" snapped Roger, after yet another criticism of his drumming by Les
"The first thing the Conservatives will do when we get back in power is 'Ban The Blues Mothers!" promised David Cameron at The Conservative Party Conference
"Apparently, Ian Duncan-Smith and William Hague have both been in touch with Roger - for hair dressing tips!" blushed political TV News correspondent Nick Robinson (who has also consulted Roger)
"Liz has begun rehearsals for a new 'Brittany Spears' tribute act - called 'BrokeAnyWind' reports next door neighbour Ethel. "It sounds fuxxxxng 'orrible!" she added
"When Les dies - I'm going to have a 'Minute of Noise' at the Billabong Club!" smiled Simon Rawlings, that nasty man from The Billabong Club
"That Liz walks around with such a dour expression on her face - as if she's got a piece of sXXt next to her. She has, and its Les!" Trevor McDonald (ex news anchor-man)
"Les goes around telling people he used to be an actor in fims. I do know that he got thrown off the film set in Elstree - for having a 'Small Part' in Ryan's Daughter!" remarked Sir John Mills, only weeks before his death
"I spent a fortnight with Les 'one afternoon'!" sneered Simon Rawlings 'again'
"That Roger thinks he's a bloody gourmet! GOURMET? He's the only bloke I know, who thinks 'Coq au vin' is a night of romance in Les's Camper!" snarled Jilly Goolden the famous TV food and wine expert
"A Pony Tail can look cool on some men, but on Les - its still a tassel covering a horse's arse!" Nicky Clarke (hairdresser to the stars)
"Following The Blues Mothers gig at The Five Bells in Hoo St Werberough; the question is not HOO? - The question is WHY?" exclaimed a startled regular of the pub. "I'm enjoying having to stand outside because of the smoking ban!" he added. "Especially when they've got bands like this on!"
"I usually do the first set at The Billabong Club - and Liz & Les do the second. I can't understand why the customers don't applaud my set until after they've finished their set!" complained a bewildered Simon Rawlings today. Liz replied sardonically "Its probably because you're crap Simon!"
"Apparently, at next year's Medway River Festival the organisers are going to lower Les onto the barge by crane, because last year when he got on, the whole thing nearly capsized!" chuckled Roger at the bar last night at a jam - nodding his head the way old people do when they reminisce
READ WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT SEVEN STRING LES AND THE BLUES MOTHERS (You'll be Surprised)
Category: Quiz/Survey
READ WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT SEVEN STRING LES & THE BLUES MOTHERS
At a recent Blues Mothers gig, an off-duty nurse refused Roger resuscitation. An indignant Roger protested later, "I hadn't even asked her for any!"
Liz bought a new electric double bass this week. Young John Bowles at Music Matters did a wonderful salesman job on it, extolling the instrument's virtues. After a few minutes Liz asked him to stop - and explained, "Don't worry about it John - Im buying it to use as a weapon! Is there anything available on the market for sharpening the spike at the bottom?"
It is common local knowledge that Big Bopper impersonator Simon Rawlings hates 7 String Les 'Big Time' - and relations between them are somewhat taut most of the time. "I've been studying the Occult methods of sticking pins in dolls that represent one's enemy." said Simon this week, then added cruelly "The problem is - that they don't fxxxking make one big enough for Les!"
"There are a lot of local bands breaking up at the moment, and lots of their disloyal musicians are secretly joining other bands!" Roger remarked to his next door neighbour - as his drumming wife Margaret waved goodbye on her way to a gig with Sunrise
The Blues Mothers have put in their expense accounts for services to Great Britain. Roger said earlier today "I thought it would be best for us to do ours while there is still money in before Alex Salmond gets his!"
Les was dragged away from Roger this week following yet another attempt by the former to strangle the latter! When asked why he keeps doing it - Les broke down and blamed re-runs of the Scottish TV Detective series Taggart. Les said "When they go on and on about Murrdurrerrs and Perrpetrratorrs, I find myself reaching for a guitar lead!" Liz and Margaret made him apologise to Roger and they reluctantly shook hands. Les was heard to whisper to an old aged female fan who was sleeping nearby (clutching a bottle of methylated spirits "The battle may be overr, but the warr has only just begun Lassie!" As Les was led away Margaret whispered to Roger "Leave him. He's not worth it!"
Roger's female stalker was seen leaving Spec Savers over the weekend
"Les has taken a few days off from The Blues Mothers this week - to work on The Rockapaddies repertoire" reports Bob Goodwin. "I don't know why he's bothering - its all Irish to me!"
"I heard this week," Les told our reporter "that Simon Rawlings is to do a tribute show dedicated to The Late Great Johnny Cash!" At this point Liz asked "What is he going to call himself, The Man In Pink?"
"Liz, Les and Roger are in a new band called The Rockapaddies as well as The Blues Mothers now. Its quite funny when Roger forgets which band is booked for the gig!" laughed Seamus O'Sullivan (drummer with The Limerick Leaping Leprachauns of Lenham)
"There are rumours that Simon Rawlings is to replace Luciano Pavarotti in the concerts with Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras. They are going to be called 'Three Tenors and a Nine Bob Note!" Les confided to Tim Wilson (sound-man at The Billabong Club) this week
"The Blues Mothers all finished a song at the same time this week. That sounds like an 'arrangement' to me!" laughed Amanda, the barmaid at The Pilot
"Seven String Les reckon's that he used to entertain the troops in the Falklands War! Well - if he did, it was the enemy troups because I never saw him there!" broadcast Kate Adey, News at 10
"I've played to packed houses all over the World as The Big Bopper! How dare that '7 String Les' ridicule me in public at The Billabong Club every week? How dare he? I'm a star I tell you!" sobbed Simon Rawlings to his tear drenched Teddy Bear - on the way to Holland, aboard the 'Rocking on Heaven's Door' tour bus (whilst his best mate Darren 'Jerry Lee Lewis' Green 'broke wind' into the formers fresh air fan)
"That fat baxxxrd Seven String Les called me up for the finale at The Fountain on Sunday when he knew I had just broken one string, and had only five on!" seethed Slick Valentine, then continued "That gave him a two string advantage for the last five minutes! I'll get him at The Pilot on Thursday!"
"It seems like only yesterday when Les first approached me for a gig in my pub!" recalls Sean from 'The Entertainer' in Sittingbourne. "I wish it was tomorrow, I'd call the whole thing off!"
"I think that the Blues Mothers are by far the most exciting, interesting and talented group around today!" writes Mr R. Slick from Pratt's Bottom
"Last Winter, as usual, Roger wrote his name in yellow (from his open bedroom window)on the first snowfall across his lawn. The confusing thing was - that it was in Les's handwriting" muttered neighbourhood watch supervisor Perry Scope
"My husband Bob hasn't appeared with The Blues Mothers for about three weeks now. Every night he gets down on his knees and prays that the phone doesn't ring!" whispered Linda Goodwin to a neighbour
"Hi, I'm Rory! Liz & Les came out with the instructor and I for a driving lesson the other week. After a few minutes I heard crying and knocking from the back. 'What's that noise?' I asked. 'It's Les's knees!' sobbed Liz."
"I managed to hide from Les for 35 years before he found me. I went to Ireland and within two days he had found me. Next I went to Lanzarote and he found me. Tomorrow I leave for Mission Control at NASA!" shouted Damon(keyboards)
"That Roger fancies himself as a bit of a war hero in the RAF. You've probably seen some of his coaches around the country. They say 'Spitfire UK' on the side!" whined Mr R Swipe of Chattenden
"The Blues Mothers are great!" enthused Stan Moore from Romford
The Blues Mothers are crap!" complained Ron Ford from Stanmore
"Liz and Les go to a lot of 'Jam Nights' looking for new talent, but Roger is still their drummer" laughed Roger's wife Margaret
"Good Morning!" said comedienne Jo Brand to Liz, in Dulwich on Monday Oct 8th 2007
"Roger had a stalker at The White Horse on Saturday night at the Blues Mothers' gig. When I asked Margaret what to do - she told me to 'kick the poor woman's gude dog'!" reported Liz on Sunday morning
"That Seven String Les thinks he's clever - just because he knows a few chords and does all those jazz riffs - well I bet I've had more birds than him!" boasted Simon Rawlings. "Yeah right! We believe you Simon!"
"Les, Simon Rawlings and Big Dave Tettmar sometimes play in a band called The Wide Boys. There can only be the three of them in the band - because there's no bloody room for anyone else on the stage!" laughed Bob Goodwin (Blues Mothers keyboard player)
"Some tension in the band at a jam on Thursday, when Roger attempted to play Take Five in 4/4 time. Les shouted at him angrily -'You're not in fxxxxng Sunrise now!" recalled Roger's long suffering wife and Blues Mothers deputy drummer Margaret
Even more problems this week, when Roger absent mindedly and with no malicious intent played the solo from 'Wipe-Out' in the middle of 'The Thrill has Gone'!" reports a supporter of the band (yes - there are a few) who was standing nearby. "I wouldn't have noticed," he added "If I hadn't just taken out one of my earplugs for a moment - to have a scratch!"
"It doesn't matter who you vote for at election time - the government will still get in!" announced Blues Mothers drummer Roger from his 'special' chair at the Old Folks Home this week
"The Blues Mothers always vote for Barry Archer & The Great Gordino at local election time because they have honour and integrity and are not in the least bit sleazy!" gasped Les, through broken teeth - while Gordon held him and Barry beat the crap out of him
"Liz and Les have always been interested in politics. They were playing at a Conservative Rally a a couple of years ago and a reporter asked them what they thought certain candidates should do about 'The Homosexuality Bill' Liz and Les both agreed that the politicians in question should pay it" reported a BBC News reporter from Blackpool, who preferred to remain anymous
The name 'Wilde' is quite significant in Blues Mother history. Les once had a hair dresser girlfriend called Pamela Wilde, Gary used to go out with Kim Wilde, Liz has been out with Marty Wilde - and Roger has been out with Oscar Wilde" claimed leading Paperazzi reporter Nosey Parker this week
"The Blues Mothers were playing at our pub The Maypole last night, and quite frankly we're starting a petition to change the name of our village from 'Borden' to 'Boredom' in time for their next visit on New Year's Eve!" screamed Lesley and Kevin (The Landlords of The Maypole Inn in Sittingbourne
"I hear that 7 String Les spent several years on a Cruise Ship. Its a pity it wasn't the bloody Titanic!" scoffed HRH Prince Philip the Duke of Edinborough
"I overheard a conversation between Liz & Les the other day. She asked him what he thought of Anne Widdicombe. Les replied "I'll have to ask Bill Brewer and Dan Stewer and Uncle Tom Cobbly and all!" reported a bewildered Tom Collier
"I'd dearly love to book 7 String Les to play in a pantomime I'm producing this Christmas, but how can the audience shout out 'BEHIND YOU' when there's no bloody room for anyone behind him!" confided Bill Kenwright (Leading West End Impressario)
"The Blues Mothers are the kind of band that makes this country GRATE!" enthused Gordon Brown (Prime Minister and Labour Party Leader) at the Labour Party Conference in Bournemouth
"Blues Mother drummer Roger volunteered to walk around Maidstone wearing a sandwich board advertising the band, but true to form he had eaten it before he left home!" laughed his dastardly rival Dave Driver
"All that money, and the Blues Mothers still live like pigs!" squealed Pinky and Perky
"Please don't get us wrong, we love The Blues Mothers, but why do Les and that Damon keep pulling strange faces at each other on the jazz tunes - while they play those weird notes and chords. It puts us off our late night Curry." complained confused Gina and Matt (landlords of the Pilot in Maidstone)
"Seven String Les's guitars are covered with residue from burgers, chips, beer & rum. They're a bacterial minefield and we're certainly not touching them!" screamed Kim and Aggie (TV hygiene consultants from 'A Life of Grime')
"The Blues Mothers are wubbish, their music is cwap and for me, buying one of their Cds would be pergatwee and daylight wobbewy!" seethed Jonathan Ross (Chat show host and film cwitic)
"I know where the Blues Mothers are coming from, and where they're going to - NOWHERE!" dribbled the Right Honourable Les Patterson (Australian Cultural Attache)
"Admittedly Roger has some nice cars, but the way he drives them leaves a lot to be desired! Put him behind the wheel and he becomes really aggressive, like a wide eyed, ferocious, rabid bush baby!" complained Jeremy Clarkson, in a tedious and bored monotone
"The Bluesa Motheras! No Commento!" declined the Pope
"Its Margaret we feel sorry for. After each gig she has to drive Liz back to rehab, Les back to prison and Roger back to the Old People's Home!" sympathised Alan & Leslie from the White Horse in Maidstone
"Give Liz a makeover? How can we make her look half decent, when she insists on having a clothing account card at Millets?" scathed Trinny & Susannah (TV fashion consultants)
"Liz, Roger & Les used to spend a lot of time in my pub, so I sold it!" smiled Ian (ex landlord of The Three Mariners)
"I've put all of my Blues Mothers tracks on one I-Pod - and thrown it away! Ha Ha!" chortled an agent who used to represent the band
"The Blues Mothers seem to be everywhere in this town at the moment! Thats why I'm moving into the country." explained road-sweeper Nigel Poncenby-Smythe
"That Roger played a drum solo the other night. It sounded like a collision between two furniture lorries." laughed a local drummer, who wishes to remain anonymous for reasons of cowardice
"I saw Les in a cheap porn film once. It was called 'Nelson's Column' & Les played the Column, need I say more?" gasped an anonymous, aged 'bag lady' who was sitting on a bench at an open air event at The Command House in Chatham. She then added "-and I played Lady Hamilton!"
"What the Blues Mothers need is 'Exterminating!'" droned Davros (Leader of The Daleks)
"Weird clothes, wierd chords, weird people!" mused Princess Michael of Kent
"The Blues Mothers had a band meeting once. It was so digusting that they wouldn't even feature it on The Jerry Springer Show - let alone mine!" recalled Jememy Kyle (British Chat Show Host)
"I bought a van from The Blues Mothers once. I had to scrape off bogies from under every seat!" seethed Alan Denton (Medway based factory owner)
"I've known Les for many years, and its my considered opinion that he's a Twat!" pondered Barry Archer (Impressario and Guitar Virtuoso of Medway bands 'The Tour' and 'Dirty Bertie')
"I asked the Blues Mothers to record one of my songs - and they bloody changed it!" spluttered Gordon Bryan (Medway based Politician, Entrepreneur, Songwriter, Drummer, Two String Bassist, Guitarist, Singer, Curling Consultant and All Round Good Egg)
"They call him Seven String Les, but lots of people don't realise he's using one of them as a guitar strap!" laughed Slick Valentine from Medway based band 'Shameful Behaviour
"That Les, he's so rude! I've known him for forty years, and last week I asked him to play a song for my Mum, and very reluctantly he agreed, then told me to 'Clear Off' and announced over the microphone, 'If anyone else has any requests, please can you keep them to yourselves - 'cause I'm not in the mood!' remembered Barbara Wilcox from Stanmore
"If you've ever stood downwind of the Blues Mothers, then you'll know why they have to do so many 'Open Air Festivals'" Overheard in the 'Office of Health and Safety canteen'
"Seven String Les! Its only rigor-mortis that keeps him upright!" Les's heart specialist
"Liz smiled the other day, while I was trimming her hair, and her ear studs popped out!" Gina of 'Gina's Pet Grooming Services'
"Les put the Cxxt in Country Music" scoffed Billie-Jo Spears
"Be sure to take eye protection if you go to a Blues Mothers gig; because they're all so very ugly!" giggled Quasimodo at Notre Dame Cathedral
"I'd punch Les's Fxxxxng Lights out - if I could get anywhere NEAR him!" swore Vinnie Jones (actor, celebrity & ex-footballer)
"When LiznLes do their jam (at 3pm, on the 1st Sunday of every month) I have to put a sign outside - saying 'Sorry, we're open!'" gasped Steve, of the Fountain in Sittingbourne
"If music be the food of life, then don't book The Blues Mothers!" William Shakespeare
"I would compare Seven String Les to the late, great Luciano Pavarotti!"shouted the bloke who sells XXXXXXXL T-Shirts in Strood Market - at a disinterested and terrified little myopic old lady who was shuffling huriedly past his stall
"The word on the street is - that Glen Miller staged his own disappearance, just to get rid of that Blues Mother Drummer Roger" snitched Phil Collin's to Bob Geldof at a Band-Aid reunion
"Thata Lizza, the biassa-player, she isa so disliked, ina the banda, thata they pieya for her to travel in a separate cara, driven by me!" sniggered Andrea Bocelli (the opera singer) in a heavy Italian accent which was also slightly sharp in tuning
"Did you know that Margaret Young got 98% in a percussion examination. Roger Young didn't take that examination. Instead, he took an advanced driving test, failed it - but still got the job as Dave Driver's stunt man - when he plays Parker in the next Thunderbirds movie." (a conversation overheard at the burger stand on the A2 at Blackheath Common)
"Dat Seven String Les geezer is well out of order! My girls will tattoo and pierce anyfink, but my Mitzi nearly fainted when he took down 'is trahsis, showed her an 'emeroid and told her to 'PIERCE IT! She told 'im to PIERCE ORF, dats wot she did!" confided Andy Mann of 'Andy's Tatoo Specialists'
At least when I was in 'Beautiful South' I had someone to carry my equipment! These bastards don't even hold the door open for me!" Damon Butcher (Keyboard with Blues Mothers) "Nor me!" replied Bob Goodwin (Keyboard with Blues Mothers)
"That Les starts the gig without me, then has the effing audacity to tell me that I'm late!" expleted Gary Barnacle (Blues Mothers' Sax-player) to tabloid reporter Justin Thyme
"The Blues Mothers have two separate keyboard players, so that when one has a nervous breakdown - the other has recovered!" sympathised Walter Gardner (Groundsman at The Priory)
"This whole Blues Mothers situation just IS NOT funny!" sobbed Norman Wisdom - to Mr Grimsdale
"As well as playing dreadful music, The Blues Mothers also suck - and I should know!" announced Monica Lewinski at a press conference
"Is there no beginning to this band's talent?" enquired Hilary Clinton, the famous American politician - at the same press conference
"I'd rather have Colonic Irrigation that sit through another Blues Mother Gig!" reports Alan Whicker (international journalist)
"The Blues Muvvers are mental!" laughed Brian from Big Brother 2007
"Seven String Les, Ooooh Matron!" cooed Kenneth Williams from the 'Carry On' films
"DIE BLUES MOTHERS - DIE!" shouted Brian Blessed in his latest film
"If I'd known that Les was going to buy one, I would never have invented it!" lamented George Van Eps - the inventor of the Seven String Guitar
"Ze Blues Mothers are, 'ow you say - crap, yes or no! Orr ee orr ee orr Je t'deteste!" whispered Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg on their latest version of 'Je t'aime moi non plus!'
"The Blues Mothers? More like the BOOZE Mothers!" sneered The Very Reverend Creedence Smythe-Jones in his "Temperance Today" newsletter to the Parish of Bridgewater in the Scottish Highlands
"Seven String Les thinks that he is both posh and privileged, but he is actually just a stupid twat!" stated Joanna Lumley (actress and celebrity)
"Our customers love listening to Seven String Les and The Blues Mothers - from outside. And its not just because of the Smoking Ban!" moaned Sinead & Graham of Ryan's Pub in Southborough
"Seven String Les? I hate the fat baxxxxrd!" decreed Her Majesty The Queen
"He's no son of mine!" snarled Les's Mum
"LiznLes are a couple of Twats!" observed Rory Alderson the Blues Mothers Recording Engineer
"An evening spent watching Roger,The Blues Mothers' drummer, is proof that there is 'Death after Life!" writes Dignam Deep from 'Undertaking Today'
"Seven String Les has more soul than Shoefayre!" writes Katie Treadwell of 'Insteps & Uppers Magazine'
"Les ain't my Brother, he's just heavy!" remarked Les's brother at the reading of their Father's will
"Liz is one of the best bass players in our field!" complimented Daisy the Cow at 'Fallowfield Farm' in Hampshire
"Les's voice has no real BALLS at all, and I should know!" wrote Juan Testicle of 'Spanish Scrotum Monthly'
"That Drummer Roger, ought to take a day job as a Taxi or Coach driver - or something similar, but probably in a Reliant Robin or on a moped!" suggested Dave Driver (a local singing celebrity)
"Blimey! Is that Drummer fellow still alive?" complained Nelson Mandela
"Several landlords at our gigs pay me extra money - just to drown the rest of them out with my keyboards!" sympathised Bob Goodwin, pianist with The Blues Mothers
"I particularly like playing with Liz, Les & Roger, because it reminds me of my roots, well 'root canal treatment' to be precise!" winged Gary Barnacle, the Tenor Saxaphone Virtuoso and part time Blues Mother
"I would like to nominate Seven String Les to perform a concert for the deaf somewhere a long way away!" venemously spat Simon Rawlings, who is 'Les's deadly enemy from The Billabong Club in Rochester'
"Never before, has so little been owed by so few, to so many musicians in The Blues Mothers - for doing bugger all!" broadcasted Sir Winston Churchill (ex-politician & diplomat 'deceased')
"Les and I go back forty years - sometimes I wish he'd bloody well stayed there!" reminisced Damon Butcher who also plays keyboard with The Blues Mothers
"That Liz is HORRIBLE!" proclaimed Martha Tydvil from Wales to a reporter. "I just happened to mention that when Les plays her short scale bass on jam nights, what with him being a bit large, the spectacle is reminiscent of George Formby playing a little ukelele banjo. In short, the cow punched me, bloodying my nose in the process. What really upset me, was Les & Roger looking down and shouting at me 'It's turned out nice again!'"
"Apparently 7 String Les is playing a lot of our old material!" our reporter heard Hank Marvin mention to Brian Bennet and Bruce Welch. "I'm a bit insulted by the name of his 'Tribute' (or should I say 'Insult Band')though. They're calling it 'Wank Starving and the Saddoes' It just isn't funny!"
"The Blues Mothers are the best band I've ever heard!" exclaimed Menzies Campbell - as he wrote his letter of resignation from 'The Liberal Democrats'
"7 String Les applied to be on 'Strictly Come Dancing!" He was dragged from the studio by five Security Men - because HE DID!" sneered Len Goodman panellist and expert whilst wiping his forehead
"Roger Young applied to be on 'Strictly Come Dancing' but was turned away because nobody wanted to be his partner!" snapped Arlene Philips (panellist and expert) before biting the head off a ferret
"Liz and Les have started a new band called the Rockapaddies. They've advertised for a drummer, but Roger will turn up at the audition in one of his disguises and get the job AS USUAL in one of Les's bands!" laughed Phil Collins at the A2 Little Chef reastaurant recently. "Ha ha, they'll never escape him!"
"Les has had a few days break this week - I wish he'd made it a few years!" confided Roger to The Medways biggest gossip Simon Rawlings, this week
"Blues Mothers CDs aren't released - they escape!" groaned Natasha Kaplinski to a close friend at the BBC
"Seven String Les was singing 'Lean On Me' the other night. I've got news for him - there isn't any lean on him!" scoffed Simon Rawlings (Big Bopper and Danny La Rue impersonator) as he tucked into his sixth burger - at Legends in Rochester
"I saw and heard The Blues Mothers at a jam the other night. I won't be going again!" confided Richard Briars to Felicity Kendal and Penelope Keith at a Good Life reunion
"Ze Blues Mothers! Zey are sheet!" announce Pancho Villa the Mexican rebel
"Sometimes I wish I had become a Priest, then I could have married Les's parents!" snapped Roger, after yet another criticism of his drumming by Les
"The first thing the Conservatives will do when we get back in power is 'Ban The Blues Mothers!" promised David Cameron at The Conservative Party Conference
"Apparently, Ian Duncan-Smith and William Hague have both been in touch with Roger - for hair dressing tips!" blushed political TV News correspondent Nick Robinson (who has also consulted Roger)
"Liz has begun rehearsals for a new 'Brittany Spears' tribute act - called 'BrokeAnyWind' reports next door neighbour Ethel. "It sounds fuxxxxng 'orrible!" she added
"When Les dies - I'm going to have a 'Minute of Noise' at the Billabong Club!" smiled Simon Rawlings, that nasty man from The Billabong Club
"That Liz walks around with such a dour expression on her face - as if she's got a piece of sXXt next to her. She has, and its Les!" Trevor McDonald (ex news anchor-man)
"Les goes around telling people he used to be an actor in fims. I do know that he got thrown off the film set in Elstree - for having a 'Small Part' in Ryan's Daughter!" remarked Sir John Mills, only weeks before his death
"I spent a fortnight with Les 'one afternoon'!" sneered Simon Rawlings 'again'
"That Roger thinks he's a bloody gourmet! GOURMET? He's the only bloke I know, who thinks 'Coq au vin' is a night of romance in Les's Camper!" snarled Jilly Goolden the famous TV food and wine expert
"A Pony Tail can look cool on some men, but on Les - its still a tassel covering a horse's arse!" Nicky Clarke (hairdresser to the stars)
"Following The Blues Mothers gig at The Five Bells in Hoo St Werberough; the question is not HOO? - The question is WHY?" exclaimed a startled regular of the pub. "I'm enjoying having to stand outside because of the smoking ban!" he added. "Especially when they've got bands like this on!"
"I usually do the first set at The Billabong Club - and Liz & Les do the second. I can't understand why the customers don't applaud my set until after they've finished their set!" complained a bewildered Simon Rawlings today. Liz replied sardonically "Its probably because you're crap Simon!"
"Apparently, at next year's Medway River Festival the organisers are going to lower Les onto the barge by crane, because last year when he got on, the whole thing nearly capsized!" chuckled Roger at the bar last night at a jam - nodding his head the way old people do when they reminisce
[Blues, Jazz, Rockabilly]
